It was a dark and stormy night… one with a biting chill in the air. There was something else there too… a certain foreboding hanging on the breeze. The day started well enough. Plans were in place for a friendly meeting with a Navy brother, Dennis, who would make use of our little respite in the woods. He recently retired after his second career and wanted a little alone time away from the distractions in life. We were happy to oblige, but asked him to make a trip up to check things out a week or two ahead of time so we could have things to his liking. He showed up, and as we showed him the ropes, none of us could have foreseen the events that would soon unfold.
After the tour, Katie and I lit the grill, seasoned the steaks, and and prepared to break bread with our friend. We had a lovely time reminiscing and talking like Sailors often do. Both Dennis and I reveled in taking the time to explain our strange Navy lexicon, as well as the meaning behind our seemingly silly rituals. Katie is pretty educated in Navy ways, but either has more to learn, is still entertained by our passionate retelling of sea stories, or as she puts it… “just puts up with that shit”. At any rate, Dennis and I were having fun.
After Dinner, Katie excused herself to hop on the ATV and head up to Fire Tower Hill to check her phone. We had more guests arriving, and they were not 100% certain on how to get to our place. Had I known then what I know now, I would have made the trip myself. There was evil afoot, and we paid the price, or so we thought. Katie fired up the machine, and as she drove off, I cautioned her to leave plenty of room to make a u-turn, because the reverse wasn’t working quite right.
Dennis and I continued our conversation, oblivious to the travesties unfolding just outside the door. Fifteen minutes later, I paused the conversation because I thought I heard something. “Shhh!” I said. “What was that?” Dennis replied that he didn’t hear anything. All of a sudden, the radio started cutting in and out, like something was disturbing the signal. An uneasy feeling rose in the pit of my stomach and I reached for my pistol laying ready on the nearby shelf. I wasn’t thinking something was off, but we are in the north woods. Bears, wolves, and more dangerous when the subject of the garbage can in concerned… Racoons… the trash panda… the little destructive creature that makes a mess of everything… must be dealt with, and dispatched with extreme prejudice. I fingered the pistol, ready to employ it. Moving the slide to the rear to confirm the round was already chambered, I rose to my feet to confront whatever demon lay in wait outside the door. Just as I made my way out, the door opened ahead of me and I was confronted with an angry beast of epic lore.
I did my best to calm myself in spite of the onslaught to my auditory senses. There in the doorway stood Katie, frazzled, wet, muddy, and wondering just why I had a gun at the ready. My mind struggled to make sense of what I was seeing. Where was the ATV? Why was Katie muddy and wet? What the hell was happening? We were soon to discover that things were much worse than an attack of the dreaded trash panda.
Katie told us that she headed for the hill to make the call, but shorty after making the turn towards the hill, she encountered a man made obstacle placed across the road. She was stunned, and maybe just a bit delayed in her reaction, but she drove through and over the obstacle. A few feet past the roadblock, she decided where she was, wasn’t where she wanted to be. So, rather than continue to the top of the hill, where she could easily make the call and a u-turn, she hung a sharp left, and immediately came face to face with a tree. 
Unable to get the ATV in reverse, and blocked by a tree, she dismounted and decided to walk back, unaided by light. Under normal conditions this would not be a problem, as she’s a trooper who knows the land well, but for the last few days, it had been raining, and the rain does what rain does. As she walked down the pitch black road headed to our driveway, she encountered a rather large puddle. Anyone who knows Katie, knows that she’s not exactly sure footed… even on dry flat pavement. Long story short, she found herself prostrate in the puddle, with a good quarter mile walk back to the warm cabin. As she approached the dwelling, her phone’s bluetooth connected with the stereo, giving us quite a start.
After the caterwauling subsided, I donned my rain slicker, grabbed a flashlight, holstered my pistol, and headed to retrieve the ATV. Having heard only a broken, excited version of the events, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. As my foot falls made moist impact with the wet terrain, I kept the light up, and my clothes from impeding a quick deployment of my weapon. The air was full of falling rain, not the kind of rain that makes you seek shelter, but a light drizzle that dulls your senses. As I rounded the curve, I found the puddle overflowing, and just beyond ten feet into the trees, was the hulk of our ATV waiting to be rescued. I fired the beast up, forced it into reverse, made my way up the hill and checked the phone. Our guests were nearing our location and we had to move quickly.
Arriving back at the cabin, Dennis assured us that our place was exactly what he needed, and said his goodbyes. Katie and I hopped on the ATV to lead Dennis out… or so we thought. As we got to the top of our driveway, we turned north and headed for the asphalt. Dennis was on our six following a bit behind. His headlights illuminated the forest rain like a scene out of Close Encounters. Then, all of a sudden… BLACK. Where could Dennis have gone? I stopped the ATV and waited. This night was getting weirder and weirder as it progressed. Then out of seemingly nowhere, the glow of headlights increased, and we realized, he turned up our neighbors drive. Upon discovering his wayward travels, he quickly doubled back and rejoined the caravan.
The rest of the trip out to the highway was chilly, but uneventful. We arrived at the intersection just as our guests were approaching from the wrong direction. They missed the turn off because we were late getting out there to flag them down. We bid farewell to Dennis and welcomed our new guests… little did we know, the risks we were taking inviting the unknown into our peaceful retreat.
As it was already getting late, we decided to forgo our usual nickle tour, and invited our guests to unload what they needed for the evening and settle in with us in the cabin. Drinks were poured, pleasantries exchanged, and a line was drawn. This was it. My duty as a grown man had been realized, and I stood my ground. I kept the pistol near, loaded, and ready to fire. Overtly, I made a show of the firepower I possessed. There was no way in hell my message would be misunderstood. Step out of line, and I’ll employ the “Three S’s” – Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up. There were miles of unattended woods to make a body disappear, and I was not about to let the clear and present danger miss that message.
Ok, I get it… why would I willingly invite such a vile creature into our home? It’s like every horror film ever made. You know the bad guy is lurking behind the door, so does the person standing outside the door… but they are compelled by a force of nature, to place their hand on the doorknob, and invite the inevitable, the obvious conclusion to what otherwise would just be a fun trip to the woods. In this case, the force of nature was my niece Samantha, and the vile creature? Her new boyfriend Austin.
Sammy is my sister’s adult child… adult or not, I’m bound by thousands of years of tradition. By the way, Katie was fascinated with humorous curiosity at my insistence that I put this bastard through the paces (I use “bastard” as no reflection on his parents, I’m sure they are fine people, but at the time there was no other word that fit). So Austin and I exchanged awkward handshakes, I handed him a drink, and the game began.
As the original plan was for Sammy and Austin to use our campsite for the weekend, we were not prepared for them to spend the night in the cabin with us. For our new readers, our temporary cabin is constructed from an eight foot by twelve foot Big Box Store garden shed. We added a screen porch of equal size, but it’s just a screen porch, so it provides no shelter from the cold. Katie and I did our best to prepare for the bad weather by stopping at the the big box store for insulation panels. We figured we’d cut panels to fit in behind the screens, and then leave the door open for the heat from the wood stove to warm the porch. Unfortunately, with Dennis stopping by, and the late arrival of Sammy and Austin, the panels would wait for the next day. Sammy and Austin would have to squeeze into the space on the floor between the wood stove and our bed. I kept the pistol close at hand.
We turned in with a warning that I may trample Austin in the middle of the night while I added more wood to the stove. As soon as beds were made and the lights were out, I may have loudly passed gas to let everyone know who the man of the house was. Dawn arrived without a shot being fired. Katie was happy as there was no blood to clean up. We had coffee and breakfast as well as more conversation. Austin knew he was under the microscope, as his replies and efforts were a little too eager. After breakfast, we gave them a tour and talked about the days activities. We would be clearing a second campsite, and widening a trail that leads to it. Sammy and Austin jumped in with gusto, and we all worked to get the job done. By afternoon, Katie had a pot of beef stew simmering, and work had ended. While the stew stewed… I threw the trailer behind the ATV, and we took our guests on trail ride up to the railroad crossing. Fall had come and the trees were at peak color. Reds, yellows, and oranges where everywhere we looked. The ride was enjoyable, but would have been so much more fun if we weren’t freezing our asses off. Damn it… winter is here, whether we like it or not.
By Saturday evening, we had the campsite more or less cleared, the insulation panels were cut and installed, and I had softened a bit on Austin… turns out, he’s a pretty good worker. He even listens well, something I thought beyond the capability of a Millennial. At any rate, I hadn’t dropped my guard, and kept the pistol loaded and close…. because you know “trash pandas”.
Sammy and Austin enjoyed the evening with us playing cribbage. I can’t remember who won or lost, but rest assured, the girls will claim they won. It’s in their nature to lie… goes all the way back to Eve and the snake. Oh well. With the porch all buttoned up, Sammy and Austin made their place on the expansive floor, which left me a clear path to both the stove and the outhouse. With a great day behind us, we turned in and got some rest.
Sunday morning greeted us with better weather, coffee, and breakfast. After a bit, we all headed out to continue improving the campsite. Katie and I took time to cut wood while Sammy and Austin cleaned up the site, and by the afternoon everything was looking swell. I like that word; swell. It takes me back to a time when I wouldn’t need to keep a pistol at the ready to defend my nieces honor. “Takes me back to a time…” I guess I need to realize that my beautiful niece is now a grown woman, capable of making her own choices. Her mom & dad have done well; she’s a smart girl. For now, I guess I have no option but to conclude she made a good choice in Austin. He seems ok, but I’ll do my duty and keep the three S’s as an option to consider. Welcome to the family Austin, don’t F up.
As Katie and I locked the gate on our latest adventure, I realized that all unknowns aren’t the boogie man. And unfortunately, some are. Time will tell. As for Sammy and Austin, our gate will always be open to them… I just hope they remember to bring their work gloves.
Stay tuned for our next musings… there is more excitement on the horizon. Some good, some not so good. Read on to find out. Until then, keep your loved ones close, a pistol at the ready, and don’t forget to do maintenance on that ATV… puddles are everywhere.